This weekend I had a nightmare about The Hills. It started when I was in Los Angeles for some reason, maybe a work conference, and I took a break and went to an outdoor cafe. I noticed Stephanie Pratt sitting by herself at another table, looking as though she wanted to be recognized, but I just kept reading my book and sipping lemonade. Finally she got up and started to leave, but as she walked by my table she dropped her handbag, spilling the contents. I helped her gather them up, and she was very friendly. She sat down with me and struck up a conversation, even though I tried to discourage her by not putting my book down. It felt awkward because I could tell that she wanted me to treat her like a celebrity, but never came right out and asked me if I knew who she was. Still, she kept working the first names of her castmates into the rather one-sided conversation, each time scrutinizing my face for any hints of recognition.

I finally said that I had to leave, and that it was nice to meet her. She instantly leapt up and said she'd give me a ride in return for helping her when she dropped her handbag. I tried to decline, saying that I didn't have far to walk, but she insisted that in L.A. you have to drive everywhere. As we were leaving the cafe, I saw a camera crew across the street and realized that they'd been filming us the entire time. At that point, I insisted that I'd rather walk, but she begged me to get in the car with her, or else I'd embarrass her in front of the camera people. I finally agreed, and we drove off, with the cameras following us on skateboards.

But instead of dropping me off at my hotel, she drove to a pool party that Brody Jenner was throwing, and told me that I had to introduce myself as her date. I said that I didn't think that was a good idea, and explained that I wasn't even dressed for a pool party and had to get back to my hotel because I had dinner plans, and then she started to cry. She said that the producers were threatening to fire her from The Hills because she didn't have a storyline, so she needed to create some drama to stay in the show. Suddenly Kristen Cavallari came up to us, with a camera team in tow, and started taunting Stephanie as a has-been. I tried to slip away as they got into a shouting match, but just as I made it to the street and saw a bus coming, Spencer Pratt popped up from the bushes, grabbing my arm and demanding to have a man-to-man talk with his sister's new boyfriend.

Before I knew it, I found myself living with Spencer and Heidi, partying with Brody and Frankie Delgado, going out to lunch with Lo and Audrina, dodging Stephanie at nightclubs, and hating every minute of it. But every time I tried to explain that this was all a big misunderstanding and I didn't want to be on the show, a camera crew would show up and I kept my mouth shut so as not to humiliate Stephanie on television. I went to ever more elaborate lengths to sneak away and get to the airport, but something always happened to foil my plans. I was increasingly miserable, and kept desperately trying to call or text people in New York to feed my cat until I could get back. But none of my friends took me seriously because I was on The Hills now. Meanwhile, all the tabloids and gossip sites referred to me as Stephanie's loser boyfriend, so Spencer tried to coach me about my image and advised me that I'd get more screentime if I started acting like an asshole and cheated on his sister with Kristen or Audrina.

Fortunately I woke up, and discovered that my cat had been trying to get my attention because he was long overdue for his breakfast.